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Anxiety is like an elephant sitting on your chest.

November 2, 2016
        Today was semi productive for me. Note to self-plans change. Adjust accordingly.  There were many things I had to get done today, and I did what I could. I did not get to all the tasks and errands I had planned on my list.

Random side note:

        I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself in the bathroom recreating a scene from the exorcist with the toilet.  As painful as it was, once the deed was done, I was able to sleep again, but restlessly. I know much of this was a result of anxiety. Usually, when I cannot sleep it is a matter of having too many things on my mind.

Now back to what I was thinking:

        I had to go to the Transitional Assistance Department to get help with food stamps. Since losing my job on Friday, I have felt a lot of anxiety. I was not sure that I would be eligible for assistance. I found out that I will qualify for aid, and I might have to apply for general relief soon if I do not begin to find some alternate source of income. I still have some things I have to complete on-line for my unemployment insurance, but they are minor yet significant things. I should begin to start receiving help from my unemployment soon while I look for a new job.
       The problem with having anxiety, is you never know when you are going to have a moment of panic.  Although I made it through today just fine, not everything went well. I really did not manage my time well or follow through with my day the way I had intended. My grandmother’s 98th birthday was today, and I was going to visit her until I found out that she fell last night and had to be taken to the hospital for x-rays and observation. That kind of news offset my day. Later this evening I found out she was able to return home. After getting this news, I went and had some tacos because it is Taco Tuesday. There is nothing like comfort food. This was my only meal of the day.
         After eating dinner, I went and withdrew money to pay my rent. When I looked at my bank receipt I realized that I might not have enough money to get through this month. I still have some bills to pay, and I am going to have to cancel some services as well as contacting some of my creditors to see if they will work to help me reduce my payments until things get better. I drove home feeling like an Alien was going to pop out of my chest. I realized  as I was driving home that anxiety is just as bad as worry. I decided that I would focus my thoughts on other matters. Even though it feels like there are forces working against me, and uncertainty looms nearby in my thoughts, I will continue to have hope.  The opposite of hope is despair, and I do not want to go there. I know the source of my hope, and that gives me strength.
        Even thought these are difficult times, there is much to be done, and learned. Instead of focusing on the negatives, and what I do not have or cannot do, I want to ask questions that will help guide me and help me see how to move forward and make it through. There is no growth without struggle. My life at this point is a struggle, so I know I have some lessons to learn. I pray that God will help me to recognize the opportunities and lessons that he wants to show me.
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