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The weight of it all.

January 13, 2017

I weighed myself tonight, and it made me feel a range of emotions from angry with myself to disgust, then to sadness. 295 pounds, that is what the scale displayed. I do not think I can bare to look at myself in the mirror, and see the scale from now on. I have tried to lose weight from eating healthier, to getting more cardio. I know that I have several things working against me. I do not sleep well or eat proper meals, and I am on different kind of medication, which I also think contribute to the stubbornness of my weight lost dilemma.

I am not afraid to admit that I am a big man. I just don’t want to be large and in charge. I want to get back to the waist size and build I was when I was in my mid-twenties, a size 32 waist would be acceptable for me, and I would be a whole lot happier.

After weighing myself, and feeling disgusted, I watched a video on YouTube at bodybuilding.com channel. I watched the transformation of a you man who weighed 700 pounds and had not left his home in almost 4 years. Hearing his story, and the process he began with broke my heart. I must have cried for several minutes just feeling the despair I have felt with the troublesome nature of my own struggle. You see, I do not like myself very much. It is a fact. If I am going to change outwardly, then I need to change inwardly as well.  I need to be willing to accept myself as I am and decide to change, and not let myself be defined by other people’s expectations of me. I should be happy with who I am as a person, and go from there. The weight loss is part of that too, and it will require commitment on my part because I have a tendency to fall short. I want to change. I am so tired of feeling awful all the time. I want to get a gym membership, but I cannot even afford one without help. Since losing my job in October 2016, I have felt helpless on many levels, especially financially.

Right now, I am living way below my means. That is not acceptable to me. I am determined to not give up know matter how many days I might feel depressed for lack of a better word. However, I have control over my fitness, and this year I want to get fit. I do not want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger and be all puffy muscles. I just want to get slim and tone again. I cannot run, but I can walk. I cannot lift heavy weights because of a disability, but I can use lighter weights and control the repetitions. I must decide to commit to losing weight and not expect immediate results. I think this will require patience, and maintaining a positive attitude.

I will post more as I continue on this part of my journey.

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5 Comments
  1. I totally understand this post. As a woman who used to tip the scales at 250, I understand what comes with that. Give yourself time. Walk every day, drink water, give your body good nutrition. When your body gets what it needs, it drops what it doesn’t (extra weight). You are not defined by that scale.

    • Thank you. I am determined to lose the weight and feel better. I understand just how much commitment and discipline are in relation to motivation. I will need lots of encouragement along the way, and I hope that my experience will help someone else too.

      • Thats one thing I do regret…not sharing my whole story while it was unfolding. I had such little faith that I would actually get results, and I was so afraid of someone criticizing what I was doing…. People will give a lot of advice along the way. Some of it is good. Most of it is crap. Most are trying to sell something. To do this publicly, you need to be strong and determined. You seem like you are!!

  2. Good luck in your effort … you can do it!

    • Thank you. I will much encouragement along the way. I hope that I can inspire others with this experience as well. As a former trainer once told me, “it’s time to make fat cry.”

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