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A New Song in My Heart.

January 28, 2017

I love music. In fact music runs through my blood. My earliest memories of loving music was when I was five years old and my mother’s friend became piano teacher. My teacher taught me, and my siblings the basics of music theory and learning to read piano music. I had trouble with reading music, but never with music in my head or learning to improvise. I think I knew then that I would never amount to a professional musician, and I was okay with that, but I really wanted to play well and make my mom happy.

I come from a musical family. My mother was a pianist and was quite good her craft. She taught my piano teacher’s daughters and half my neighborhood how to play piano growing up in the 70s. My father could fumble on the piano, but his talent was more in align with singing, and writing music. He often directed choir at church when I was in my late teens through my twenties. I think he still does from time to time, but he just sings in choir now, and an older men’s quartet at church. My father is skilled at making things too, he is an amateur luthier, and he plays guitar really well. Even my brother and sisters are talented musically, although I do not know if they still play. My sisters played piano. My brother used to play trumpet and in later played in a band called Etc., where he wrote songs and played guitar. He is more of your Blues kind of guy. I mentioned I played piano, and I used to play saxophone. I have kind of lost my chops for playing sax, but some things need to change for me before I play again. I mostly just fumble and pick on my acoustic guitar, and not well. I would really like to take lessons and learn to write music so I can get these songs and sound out of my head and on to paper.

In the last six plus years since my mother died, a part of me died too. And, in the last 3.5 years, I have not gotten to play piano. When my dad remarried, he sold our home, and moved on. Part of that moving on was selling the baby grand piano my mom used to play on since I was a kid. I practically played on it every day, and in the beginning after mom died, too. But, nothing felt right. I played because I was sad, and I felt broken. My family still feels broken. I know that music can bring healing to the most broken of hearts. I haven’t shared this with anyone, so you are reading it hear first, my feelings freshly written on the page.

I have wanted to play music for some time now. I have all of these crazy sounds and rhythms invading my head. Sometimes I wonder if I am going mad? When my mom died, I felt that all I ever loved about music-instruments, sounds, songs, soundtracks, etc., just died or disappeared. I no longer had a song in my heart. What did not help was people at church telling me to sing in the choir. I didn’t think I had a very good singing voice, although, I used to sing, and enjoy singing songs.  It was frustrating, not empowering or encouraging, even though I know they meant well.

Lately, there has been this heaviness in my spirit, and a yearning. Something wants to pry its way from this husk I have become. King David says in Psalm 43, “Why so downcast my soul?” Paraphrasing in not so many words. I think even he realized there was a time when his mourning would come to an end and would just have to start living again. Recently, I heard someone say that in order to forgive or forgiveness to take place, something has to die. I am not sure where I am really going with this, but I am at a point now that I have to continue living. Joy comes in the morning. Yesterday has passed. It is time to wake up and live, and tear off this empty husk. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am created by the Most High God, a child in his kingdom…A child of the day.  Since I started attending this small Bible study group I visit, and going back to church, I am noticing God at work in my life. Oh. He has always been at work. I am just learning to notice Him at work.

I notice God at work in my heart because, I find myself singing a song or a couple of lines and then humming when I am out driving. Songs that I hear at church or on the radio, I am hearing a whole new tune. I find myself singing again of God’s goodness in my life. He is taking my sadness and replacing it with joy. He is putting a new song in my heart. *Psalm 40:3 has become a reminder to me of what God is doing in my life. “And He hath put a new song in my mouth; even praise unto our God; many shall see it and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.




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