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March 19, 2017

I went to see my therapist on Thursday as I have been for the last two years. I originally began going to him to help me with coping with grief, and handling the continued stress that I was feeling. In our discussion, he told me that I am afraid of making a commitment, in which I replied, ” I do not like the word commitment, as it is like a promise or a pledge and I will not make one knowing that I may not be able to keep it.” I am not afraid of commitment, because I have been committed to many things through out my life, and in recent moments, too. I was committed to my job I maintained for 3 1/2 years, and when I was a student I was committed to attending class and being on time, doing my best in everything. I have been committed to paying my rent, knowing that it is a priority, and I have been committed to seeing my doctor  regularly in hopes that I would receive the help I need to deal with my grief and stress. This is not the first time he has mentioned commitment to me, and I feel that each time he brings up this word which I dislike so much, it makes me angry. For me, I have been taught  to let my “yes” be yes, and my “no” be no, and if I give my word to do something I keep it. However, I do not like to be emotionally maneuvered or manipulated. I know that I am committed in the things I am doing like looking for a job, because I am not often lazy. I struggle to deal with the rejections and balancing my time, but I am committed to pursuing my goals.

I feel like I am watching my whole world crumble. In some ways I felt that my doctor crossed a boundary with me. I left his office not saying another word because he made me so angry. Maybe I just do not understand the importance of why he is always bringing up the word “commitment” with me?  I told him to drop it. It has seriously made me reconsider whether or not I really need to see a therapist anymore. Usually, one who is going to get help dealing with emotional stress and anxieties, should not feel stressed about having to go to an appointment each week. I want to look forward to seeing my doctor for help, but, lately, I have not wanted to go to my appointments, and have actually dreaded going, and I went anyhow. I am trying to decide if I want to continue going to my doctor or just take a break. For me, I have felt burnt out.  Each week I go to different doctor appointments as well as seeing my therapist. I am thankful to have been receiving the help I have been given. Yet, I do not feel like things are progressing forward. It could just be that I want to move forward without being told something I already know that which I must do. Often, when one makes a commitment, a person is making a pledge to follow through with a decision even at great expense or inconvenience to reach an attainable goal. I felt like he was jabbing me. I know that sometimes I am guilty of being defensive, especially if I have trouble what the other person is trying to communicate with me. My doctor did say I could tell him, “I am not ready to make a commitment,” and he would respect that, but why bother asking me if I am in need of making a commitment? You can make all of the commitments you want, (and without divulging too much of my personal life) without clear opportunities to actively pursue those commitments that lead to success makes things more difficult. I feel like I am doing what I can to pursue my goals.

The depression that I have felt has been a direct result of the disappointments, discouragement, and negative feedback I have received from others during this long and drawn out time of loneliness. I am not looking for pity. I am just struggling, and sometimes I feel a little despondent.  I have felt like giving up on my searches, but I need to find a job, and not let rejection affect me or keep me from finding something that is safe, secure, and having a career that I will be happy doing. I have to learn to filter out the extraneous and diverting thoughts from others voices telling me what I should be doing. I am going to meet my goals. One of the things I have learned is to be patient, be determined, do not give up and expect change in order to see new results. I also have learned to remove that which does not work or produce results that are positive for me. The only way forward is to not look back. I am committed to doing what I must to find a job, and understand that I will have to sacrifice more to reach my goals.


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