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Trying to figure out what is next.

March 22, 2017

Time is running out for me. I may be off of here for a little while come May, unless I can figure out a way to pay for rent, and have a job that will let me continue to stay where I am living. I am very frustrated right now, and certainly not very courageous. It is a challenge for me to find balance right now. Sleeping is minimized because I cannot shut off my overactive imagination. My thoughts run constantly and keep popping like little kernels of popcorn. I am trying to learn how to eat clean, and reduce my red meat intake. As a heavy man, I do not want to stay this way. I have heard it said that, “if you don’t like something about yourself, change it.” There is a lot I want to change.

One of the first things I have to do to get back on track is set a regular bed time, shut everything off, and try to clear mine enough to sleep. Usually going to sleep is not the problem, it is staying asleep. Lately, car alarms going off at 4am and disturbing my sleep have affected me, as has the Harley Davidson that thrums through the parking lot early in the morning. There are almost always some sort of extraneous noises happening outside my window. I could use a break. As for eating, I need to make a menu and stick to it. I am already cutting myself off of soda pop, and other sugary drinks. And it is more than eating and sleeping. I am totally sick of being tired and depressed, feeling useless or helpless at times. Just because I am unemployed does not mean I cannot be proactive with my time, and energy.

In between not having money for gas, laundry or buying food, and doing my job searches, I can go walking.  Walking somehow releases endorphins and is supposed to make you feel better. I am supposed to walk 10,000 steps per day ( I am at a third of that right now because of sciatic pain,) and I do the best I can. Any day where I do more than the previous day is a good day for walking and cardio exercise. When you deal with chronic pain-that invisible pain that many are quick to judge you on because you look like there is nothing wrong, yet,hurt in every fiber of your being-some days it is next to impossible to move around or get out of bed. Because of this, I try to walk and do my best so that in spite of the pain, I do not lose my mobility.

I am learning that I need to take better care of myself, even though my life feels like it is crumbling before me, and forcing me to wonder if I will survive this ordeal. Lately, I have felt down about things because I feel like life is passing me by, and I do not know how to escape the sand trap I have been ensnared. Right now it is just recognizing what I want to do, where I want to go, and how am I going to get there (regarding my goals). Right now, life seems complicated and I need to minimize or let things go. I am at the point in my life where experiences matter more than things. Simple is more.  Joy is more than temporary happiness.

I want to travel, have a good paying career, and enjoy life a little more. It is one reason I am going to be spending less time on Facebook, and focus more on real life experiences. It is kind of like the realization Bruce Willis’s character has about life in the movie Surrogates. After the loss of his surrogate, Willis’s character is forced to live in the world in his real body, vulnerable and able to be hurt. What happens when we wake up OR see life with new perspective. Pixar’s movie Wall-E is a great commentary for how life in America is becoming or could be. I do not want to end up like the unfit people in those chairs. I am aware now, and I am going to change.

Lately, I have been watching videos-maybe too many. But videos like Fast Food Nation, Forks Over Knives, and other Documentaries about Food have made me reevaluate how and what I eat. I do not want to alarm anyone with these clips, but some of it is graphic. I have been eating meat most of my life. I have had cause to reconsider for health reasons. I still like chicken, turkey, fish, pork, and beef. I do not know if I can commit to becoming vegan, but I could gradually become more of a vegetarian. I already do not eat much meat except for chicken two or three times a week. What I really want to change is the amount of processed food I eat, which is frighteningly a lot. I love potato chips, my love handles can vouch for this habit. I am not going to make excuses for myself. My friend Gabriel has recently told me that if I really want to try and live longer, that I need to change the way I think about life, things, food, relationships, etc. But, the food habit is probably going to be one habit that will require discipline, as well as getting out and walking every day.

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